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    two sisters
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    Addictions

    Post  two sisters on Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:40 pm

    Addiction. What comes to mind when you hear the word? A crack head?, an alcoholic? What about the things like sex and prescription drugs, or men and shopping?
    Too much of anything is no good.
    The fixed up, oh so fine, us!

    Question:

    When we look at ourselves, what do we do too much of? Is it an addiction?
    What can we do to stop the behavior?
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    Auntie G

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    Again you have struck a cord!

    Post  Auntie G on Sun Apr 11, 2010 3:26 pm

    Let me just bust it on out and say that for me the additction is men, and yes I know it sounds bad but from what I have been reading on this site, it's all about the real, and for me, this is the real so I hope maybe this will help me, or someone else to admit to their weaknesses and begin to change ourselves.
    I guess one of the first questions someone would ask me is if I go to church, are you saved?, my answer would be yes to both, and believe me nobody knows like God how I struggle with this "addiction". I'm so sure I'm not the only sista trying to get a grip on this and maybe I should clear up an assumption, I'm not whorish, I don't have men here and there and I'm not sleeping with this one and that one and definately not anyones husband. My addiction begins to kick in when there is not a man in my life and lonliness and just the desire not so much as to have sex, but just to have someone in my life to share a day, a meal, or a movie, someone to care for me.
    When I do meet a man I tend to get too involved too quick, and of course one thing leads to another and before long we are in bed and then there I am asking for forgiveness and feeling like a dog. I tend to stop seeing the man after this because I know they will expect what they were able to do before I mean why not?
    I honestly struggle with this and I pray that God will give me strenght to overcome my flesh.
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Addictions - God's Grace is Sufficient!

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Sun Apr 11, 2010 7:39 pm

    Auntie G wrote:Let me just bust it on out and say that for me the additction is men, and yes I know it sounds bad but from what I have been reading on this site, it's all about the real, and for me, this is the real so I hope maybe this will help me, or someone else to admit to their weaknesses and begin to change ourselves.
    I guess one of the first questions someone would ask me is if I go to church, are you saved?, my answer would be yes to both, and believe me nobody knows like God how I struggle with this "addiction". I'm so sure I'm not the only sista trying to get a grip on this and maybe I should clear up an assumption, I'm not whorish, I don't have men here and there and I'm not sleeping with this one and that one and definately not anyones husband. My addiction begins to kick in when there is not a man in my life and lonliness and just the desire not so much as to have sex, but just to have someone in my life to share a day, a meal, or a movie, someone to care for me.
    When I do meet a man I tend to get too involved too quick, and of course one thing leads to another and before long we are in bed and then there I am asking for forgiveness and feeling like a dog. I tend to stop seeing the man after this because I know they will expect what they were able to do before I mean why not?
    I honestly struggle with this and I pray that God will give me strenght to overcome my flesh.


    As you may have noticed Auntie G, I conveniently skirted by this topic, because I don’t know if I can go here. Not that I don’t have issues, but rather, it’s because I have soooo many of them! LOL! You brought up something that I have dealt with all of my life, and I know that many other women, if they were honest, would admit that they too have had a compulsive desire for the opposite sex, or for sex, period! In my own limited knowledge I would define an addiction as something that one has an overwhelming, uncontrollable desire and compulsion to do. Addictions don’t necessarily have to be bad – when they are those that do not involve self- destructive, or destructive behavior. If you are not harming yourself, or others, what is the real problem? You could be addicted to doing positive things for other people – you could always be driven to give encouragement or assistance to others no matter what the circumstance or situation. I have always heard that anything done in moderation is alright. However, this is not what we are talking about, is it? Our issue is that at times we have been driven to seek companionship, if only for a temporary time, because we felt an intense need not to be alone. As shameful as it is to admit, I have been with more men than the Lord allows! Many will tell you that addictions are merely symptomatic of an underlying issue that has not yet been resolved. Many times, if you are an “Oprah” watcher, she will say that her troublesome food addiction is merely a substitute for something else. She ain’t necessarily hungry for food, but all I’m saying is that eating 12 biscuits may mean that you really wish you were doing something else! I think it is the same thing with men, compulsive spending, drug habits, and yes, my all time favorite . . . gambling. When I was gambling real bad, I know it was because I was unhappy deep inside. I thought it was because I was lonely, and perhaps it was. When I was gambling I didn’t think about my loneliness, but I didn’t necessarily talk to anyone while I was doing it either. The gambling became a substitute for companionship, and then I could care less whether I had a man or not.

    If we look deeper, we may notice that there are some real feelings of sadness, guilt, remorse, disappointment, unforgiveness, and even anger that lies beneath our desires that we may not have dealt with - yet. Often, we don’t know that they are there because we thought that they were dealt with years ago. It’s just something that is buried deep within. That’s what a good therapist will tell you, and Lord knows, I have needed one from time to time. No man can take this away, I don’t care how fine he is, or how good in bed he is. Even though he is there, feeling good, and looking good, when he leaves, here comes that feeling of despair and guilt again.
    Just having a man in my life, in my arms, in my bed, or somewhere close to me meant that I was worthy. His companionship validated my sense of self-esteem, and self-worth. Without a man, I felt like I was empty, and void, unattractive, and less than a woman. This is real. But, it took years before I started to unravel this truth. I didn’t know how deep it went. It went back years to when I was young, and I was violated as a young girl. It went back to the core of my being, and until and unless you are willing to go there, you may not realize just what is the driving force behind some of these issues.

    I could be wrong, Auntie G, but I don’t think from what you have written that you are really addicted per se to men. Because if you were, you would drag any kind of old man home, just for the sake of having a man! I don’t get this from what you have written. As long as you do not allow yourself to be abused and purposely mistreated and disrespected, I think it is perfectly natural for a woman to want to be loved, to be held, and to be treated as a woman – even if only for one night. I think also, however, that because you are a woman of faith, your religious beliefs and upbringing are obviously contrary to your desires. Our faith teaches us that as single women, we should and must, wait on the man that God will bring into our life as our husband before we engage in an intimate relationship. We are strongly admonished to abstain from giving ourselves in this manner because of the intimate nature of sex. This admonishment is given because the two become one. Not only this, but every person that we allow ourselves to become intimate with has a spirit that comes with them. When we engage in physically intimate relationships, spiritual danger may be imminent because we open ourselves up to that spirit. But, I don’t have to tell you this. The flesh wants what the flesh wants. This is the carnal part of us which is always contrary to the word and the will of God. The flesh is weak, and the spiritual’ part of us is always contradicting the carnal part of us. That is why the scriptures say in Romans, that the carnal mind is at enmity against God (Romans 8:7). This will not cease, I don’t care how much you pray, shout, and speak in tongues! Apostle Paul spoke of the “thorn in his flesh,” and the fact remains that three times he besought the Lord to remove it. I don’t recall that he ever did, but God said, “my grace is sufficient for thee – for my strength is made perfect in weakness,” (II Corinthians 12:9). But God – that is all that I can say, Auntie G. I thank Him for His grace, and I thank Him for mercy!!! There is now therefore, NO condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus! He is not holding these weaknesses against us – we are! He knows the thoughts, desires, and the intents of our hearts, and we die daily, by continually trying to put off “the old man” and put on the new. Every day, throughout every situation and trial we are faced with, we wail, and cry out to God, and ask for strength to overcome, and this is what God is looking at more than anything. It is in our brokenness, our imperfections and in our weaknesses, and in our trials that He is revealed ever the more to us. So, don’t feel bad girl, don’t feel alone. You are in GOOD company!!! As Christians, we strive to be more like Him. And, you are doing just that, Auntie G. You are no different than me, or anyone else that I know. We are all just trying to be what God would have us to be. He didn’t say that it was going to be easy. As a matter of fact my Sista, he knew that it would be quite difficult – that is why Jesus went to the cross and died – just for us!
    Just let me end here by saying, God knows right where you are. He has heard your prayers, and he has seen your struggles. Your prayers will not return void. Keep your head up, keep your faith, and just keep on looking to God, your Father, for strength to overcome. In due season, you shall reap, if you faint not!
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    Auntie G

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    Thanks for feeling me

    Post  Auntie G on Sun Apr 11, 2010 9:22 pm

    Sista athompson I thank you much for feeling me right where I am and admitting your own struggle. I think I may just look into what the real reason might be for my behavior, and as I write I may be able to say that it is hurt, and the death of an expectation that after several years with a man he left and is now with someone else and here I am alone. I want so much to have my own man, here with me, down with me and me with him but honestyly, is God going to send me the Godly man he would have for me while I'm in this mess? Come on' yes he is a God of mercy and great grace and yes he knows my heart but sin is sin, and God is not going to bless me with the man that could and would stop all this while I'm still in it is he?
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Re: Addictions

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Sun Apr 11, 2010 10:27 pm

    Auntie G wrote:Sista athompson I thank you much for feeling me right where I am and admitting your own struggle. I think I may just look into what the real reason might be for my behavior, and as I write I may be able to say that it is hurt, and the death of an expectation that after several years with a man he left and is now with someone else and here I am alone. I want so much to have my own man, here with me, down with me and me with him but honestyly, is God going to send me the Godly man he would have for me while I'm in this mess? Come on' yes he is a God of mercy and great grace and yes he knows my heart but sin is sin, and God is not going to bless me with the man that could and would stop all this while I'm still in it is he?


    Auntie G, let me just be real with you . . . because it does no good for me to hold back when someone else may be helped through my failures. I remember when I was feeling something so similar to what you are feeling, it hurts just like it did when I was going through just remembering. I was so very hurt and broken because a man that I had fallen in love with made a promise to me that he knew he couldn’t/wouldn’t keep. Let me just be honest and say that I had foolishly fallen in love with a married man. Oookay! And, I was just stupid enough to believe all the lies that he was telling me. To me, he was the man of my dreams. He seemed like the man that I had been waiting for, and looking for all of my life. He was caring, and he was so fine! But, the biggest problem was that he was a pathological liar, and a cheat! He told me that he was not in love with his wife (which probably was the only truth). He told me that the only reason he was still with her was because she had been there when he needed someone (which is also probably true because he is a user), and she was very ill now. He said that it would almost kill her if he left her. The only way that I could get away from him and avoid the temptation of continuing a relationship with him was to leave town. I moved almost 2,000 miles away and told him if he wanted to be with me, he knew what he had to do. Well, I moved but later found out that I was pregnant with his child. When he found this out, he made a solemn promise that he was definitely going to tell all, and he was going to come where I was to be with me and his child. Well, he did part of this. He told her. But, she darn near had a nervous breakdown. He did come and visit for a week, and he gave me his word that he just needed some time to clear up final affairs, and settle things with her (two weeks). Do I have to tell you that he NEVER came back! He never came back, and I felt like the biggest fool. Here I was now pregnant with a married man’s child, and he kept on lying to me telling me that he loved me. This was what you would call a “sho nuff mess!” I know, I know, I know what you are thinking . . . God don’t bless no mess! You are absolutely right. That don’t lessen the pain though. That don’t stop your longing though. You know right from wrong, and you still want the wrong to be right. I did. I begged God. I pleaded with God. I felt like if only he would do this for me, everything in my world would be alright. I was praying, I was fasting, I was chanting, I was meditating, I was burning incense, I would listen to all the sad songs on the radio, I was wearing sad clothes, and eating sad food . . .

    Auntie G, Gurl!!! Now, looking back, all I can say, and all I can do is fall on my fat knees and say thank you God for NOT sending that man back into my life! I didn’t realize it then. I couldn’t see it then, but that man was not the man for me, and God knew it! He was not righteous. He would have caused me so much more pain had I stayed with him. Had God allowed my prayers to be answered the way that I was begging him to, I would be a total, miserable and complete wreck to this day. This man was not the man that God had in his plan for me. This is the lesson. We must learn how to trust God! Sure, it was one of the most painful experiences that I have ever had to deal with. But, through this pain, and this suffering I came to understand that in order to have God’s true peace, and receive his blessings, I have to be in His will. It cannot be my way. It has to be His way. I was used to having things “my way!” I always fought to have “my way.” What’s the saying, “I wanted my cake, and wanted to eat it too!” My lesson throughout this ordeal was to learn to surrender my will over to God’s will. God doesn’t force us to do anything, but because he loves us, he lovingly nudges us in the right direction. If we force situations, he will allow them to be so in order that we may be able to see the error of our ways. Now, I am wiser. I have made soooo many mistakes. I have learned that God doesn’t hold me in contempt for my past, and I thank Him for mercy. Every day, we get brand new mercies. Scriptures say, and (God is not a man that he should lie . . .) It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed . . . His compassions fail not . . . They are new every morning! ( Lamentations 3:22-23). Did you get this: He blesses us with brand new mercies each and every day of our life! Auntie G, He wants us to be happy. He will give us the desires of our heart, and he has. I tell you that God blesses me in spite of the many mistakes that I have made and I know he will do the same for you. He also has allowed me to make them in order that He may now get the glory out of my life. Now, I can freely talk of my past mistakes, because I am no longer holding myself in such great contempt. It is not God that is not forgiving you . . . it is you. When you get over you, and start totally trusting God, you will see.

    I tell you only what I know, my Sista. Yes, God will bless you, in spite of you. He already is each and every day. Just learn how to let God, and let go. If you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive. How about you?
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    Marsha

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    Ditto

    Post  Marsha on Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:32 pm

    I almost feel like I'm imposing on a private conversation but this is what the site is here for and I'm thankful to Sista's Common Sense Corner. Having been married, divorced, and currently without a man in my life, I truly do understand the feelings that have been expressed. It's not that I'm desperate for a man, I do alright by myself but the desire to have someone to hold me, whisper in my ear, date me, and tell me that I'm the light of his life is something that I long for. I realize that while I can take myself to the movies, and dinner, the spa and the beach, it sure would be nice to have the man that God has for me to share these things with. Can I be honest, (not to gross you out) and tell you that because I have known initimacy with someone that I was not married too that demonstrated that lovin' was not just about him getting his way but making sure I was satisfied, I begin to understand what God intended for me. God wants His very best for me and I too am struggling to wait for his best. Not that there's anyone in my life at this time but the problem is that desire to feel the love of a man that I know will by far exceed my wildest expectation. Trusting God while waiting for his best is the biggest challenge. I just want to thank you sistas for keeping it real and encouraging me to stand strong while I wait on my good thang Very Happy
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    missjohnniemae

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    Are you serious

    Post  missjohnniemae on Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:04 pm

    I think somewhere along the way we got just a little off track, the scenario is about addictions, if I understand it right Auntie G said her addiction is men, she doesn't like being alone, I think athompson mentioned having had several addictions at one time or another, anyway we ended up speaking about men and the task of waiting for the right man. I realize those are all real problems but what about the true addictions like the pain killers for the pain that is so deep on the inside that the pills can't even get to it but the doctor keeps giving them and you keep taking them and the pain never gets any better but you keep taking them and taking them and taking them....you all are talking about waiting on a man when there's sistas out here doing all we can to just get from one minute to the next, are you serious???
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Re: Addictions

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:24 pm

    missjohnniemae wrote:I think somewhere along the way we got just a little off track, the scenario is about addictions, if I understand it right Auntie G said her addiction is men, she doesn't like being alone, I think athompson mentioned having had several addictions at one time or another, anyway we ended up speaking about men and the task of waiting for the right man. I realize those are all real problems but what about the true addictions like the pain killers for the pain that is so deep on the inside that the pills can't even get to it but the doctor keeps giving them and you keep taking them and the pain never gets any better but you keep taking them and taking them and taking them....you all are talking about waiting on a man when there's sistas out here doing all we can to just get from one minute to the next, are you serious???


    Missjohnniemae, with all due respect and in answer to your earnest question: Are you serious? As serious as a heart attack, yes ma’am, I am. I most certainly am. Just as we are all uniquely different, as women, we will likewise have different issues and means of coping with them. As you have pointed out so well in your post, certain of us struggle with areas that may be completely different from others. My issue may not be your issue, and likewise, your issue may not be my issue. This is not however, meant to anyway diminish anyone or to devaluate what they may be going through on a personal level. I certainly agree with you that some women self medicate as a means of dealing with pain, and pain that is not always physical, by using pain pills, alcohol, other forms of drugs, and narcotics. Admittedly, while I have many issues, addiction to painkillers has not been one of them. However, as we have pointed out earlier, we realize that some women do use food, gambling, men, and sex, just to name a few, as ways in which to cope and mask pain they may still be dealing with. This is actually the beauty of this forum, Sista’s Common Sense Corner. I love having the opportunity to share our stories, and to learn from one another as women. No one has a monopoly on pain and suffering. I sincerely believe that there is enough of that for all of us as women, and Sistas, to explore in this forum. It is through the sharing that we grow and over time, experience ultimate healing.
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    mygram

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    We may have missed an opportunity

    Post  mygram on Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:40 pm

    Sistas athompson and Auntie G, I think we may have lost a opportunity to talk to a sistas that was trying to deal with an issue she felt was a bit more serious than that of not having or waiting on a man. Now I do agree that whatever your addiction it is serious if not to anyone else, certainly to you, but in all that was said in response to missjohnniemae there was not one word of encouragement or support in what she is facing and that is what the site is suppose to really be about right?. Sista athompson has given some good words each time she speaks, (long, real long but good) I would like to offer this sista a word of support, I do know, and have been on your street, and it is not easy but sista you have got to make a decision and not that it is easy to do, but you know that your taking the pills is not helping in the long run as a matter of fact they are actually damaging your body more. You and only you must decide if you want to continue living the way you do, if you do and I pray you do not, you will fill your next script and pop that pill, if you do not, sista first and foremost go to our Father our Heavenly Father and ask Him for strength and forgiveness, He will give it to you, then you will most likely need to seek some medical help to get you through this safely. Last but definately not least the sistas here really are wonderful women of God that will pray for you, and with you and share our rough spots with you. Promise, you definately are not alone.
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Re: Addictions

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Thu Apr 22, 2010 4:43 pm

    mygram wrote:Sistas athompson and Auntie G, I think we may have lost a opportunity to talk to a sistas that was trying to deal with an issue she felt was a bit more serious than that of not having or waiting on a man. Now I do agree that whatever your addiction it is serious if not to anyone else, certainly to you, but in all that was said in response to missjohnniemae there was not one word of encouragement or support in what she is facing and that is what the site is suppose to really be about right?. Sista athompson has given some good words each time she speaks, (long, real long but good) I would like to offer this sista a word of support, I do know, and have been on your street, and it is not easy but sista you have got to make a decision and not that it is easy to do, but you know that your taking the pills is not helping in the long run as a matter of fact they are actually damaging your body more. You and only you must decide if you want to continue living the way you do, if you do and I pray you do not, you will fill your next script and pop that pill, if you do not, sista first and foremost go to our Father our Heavenly Father and ask Him for strength and forgiveness, He will give it to you, then you will most likely need to seek some medical help to get you through this safely. Last but definately not least the sistas here really are wonderful women of God that will pray for you, and with you and share our rough spots with you. Promise, you definately are not alone.


    To all of my Sistas – I just want to say that I thank God for each of you, and for this forum. This is an opportunity where we can each express our innermost thoughts, and share our most sacred feelings without feeling like we will be judged critically, or condemned. I do realize now as Mygram said in her post, that I may have missed an opportunity to offer my Sista some much needed words of encouragement, and for this I am truly sorry. I overlooked what may have been obvious to some, and jumped to some conclusions that may or may not have been all too significant. Although they say that hindsight is 20/20-- I cannot go backwards, and I don’t get a re-do. I would however, like to say that I do know what that kind of pain feels like. In all the tragedies, disappointments, and personal failures that I have experienced, self medication was the only way that I knew to cope. Started with smoking marijuana daily, and doing lines of coke, to drinking alcohol. I knew I was on a crash course, but couldn’t seem to find the self determination to stop. It is sad, but, there were times when I felt like I couldn’t make it through the day (or nights) without my weed. This was my crutch of choice. So, I do know what you or many others may be going through in a lot of respects. I can also say that there is hope! Today, though years have long passed, I no longer feel the need to get high with any drugs, or alcohol. Didn’t go through rehab, or any 12 step program, I just cried out to God for deliverance, and he heard my cries. But, the one thing that I truly remember is that I had come to a point in my life where I knew that I wanted to stop slowly killing myself. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired! It was like being on a merry go round, and the only way to get off was to just jump off. There is no ideal starting point, because it is endlessly spinning round and round. At this point in my life, I felt like I was in jeopardy of losing my life, and all that entailed. I took a personal inventory of everything, and I simply realized that no matter what, I did not want to die. I may have told myself that lie, but it was just that, a lie! I didn’t want to die. But, the trick that the enemy tells us is that we might as well just go ahead and die, because life is not worth living anyway. This is a lie from the pit of hell! No matter what the situation or circumstances, God is bigger than your problems. He is a problem solver, and though I risk being called a “holy roller,” I know that he specializes in things that seem impossible. So, my Sista, be encouraged . . . you are not alone. Many have been there, right where you are, and many may still be there, but you are not alone . . . not anymore.

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