Good Intentions

There’s a sista you know that “could be” a beautiful woman, she’s intelligent and capable, but her personality is a bit “ghetto”, and her style of dress is a little, ok, a lot off. Too tight, too short, too loud, too much!
Your intentions are good and honest, you want to “help” her, but how would she take your attempt to help?

Question:

When we see a sista that we want to help, we must consider the fact that she may not “want”, or feel as though she needs our help. What do you do when you’re trying to do what you think is right to help a sista, how would you approach the situation?

When I have a friend that needs help and they think they don't it I just causally bring it up in a way that is nice so they want get mad at me. Then I have friends that ask for help but it just goes in one ear and out the other. But it they don't take what I say to heart the only thing I can do is pray for them.

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What we must remember is that we all have an opinion, and because one person thinks she may need help doesn't necessarily mean that she thinks she needs your help (obviously she thinks she is ok) what if in your attempt to help the sista gets really offended and the whole situations gets ugly? Maybe it's best to keep your good intentions to yourself.

If that person is a friend I know my limits. If that person is some I just meet I may not say what I think, it just depends on the type of person I'm dealing with. And if they would to get mad at me, after everything is said and done I have left them with something to think about.

Let the sista know about herself and if she doesnt listen then maybe its more to why she dresses that way. In many cases women dress in tight stuff and talk loundly cause their missing something or someone in their life. if the words you are telling her are not getting to her it can be something deeper than that.Take the sista in as a friend, find out what is on her mind, make her over from the inside out. Make a difference in her life.

Unfortunately, your good intentions sometimes are not perceived as such and can lead to the demise of a friendship. I had a friend who's behavior (w/ men) was at an all time low. She asked for my advice, and as her friend...I gave it honestly. From time to time it was unsolicited, but I felt that she needed to hear that she was a beautiful, kind person and shouldn't settle for less. At some point, I believe that a wall formed between she and I and I became perveived as a "know-it-all" or one who thought I was better than she. Ultimately, our friendship ended over an unrelated, but somehow related matter.

What I learned from that experience...as your friend, I'm still going to be honest, but not beat a dead horse (I think that's the saying, I'm horrible w/ cliches.)

I had a familiar situation and when I told my friend about the way she was dressing and behaiving around men she told a mutual friend that I was jealous. I went and talked to her and told that I wasn't jealous and that she could do whatever she wanted but that all these guys that she was messing with were using her and talking about her. So sad because after that she stopped talking to me for about a year and when I ran into her at the Goverment Center she said hi and apologized to me, but our friendship has never been the same.

The truth of the matter is that the word "ghetto" first of all has become way too common if you will. What do you mean ghetto? Because someone's syle of dress is not your style does that make her ghetto? Women are different, the truth is, there are going to be women and there has always been women that just don't fall into the category of what most women call a "dresser". Either respect peoples choices and move on or take a chance on your good intentions feelings being hurt.

Well, I don't know. Here's what I think. It really depends if she's trying to get a job/career. If she is your friend and she is not dressing for a career then as a friend you really should tell her. It's like your friend with bad breath. You don't just let your friend go around with bad breath do you? Tell her that her appearance may not fit with the career/job she is trying to get. Otherwise, dressing the way she likes is her choice, her style.

I think we've all been there at some time or another, where we have known someone, on a basic level, and as most women are prone to do, we develop an impression of her based upon an initial reaction to the way that she is dressed. Whether we admit it or not, most of us will notice another woman's particular style of dress right off the bat. We give a quick once over with our eyes at a safe distance, and subjectively we "approve" or "disapprove." I think our level of acceptance is based upon what we are raised to believe is acceptable.

Before I would ever consider bringing up the subject of another woman's style of dress, if I ever would - which I truly doubt), I would have to really analyze my true underlying motives for doing so. Also, I would determine the relevancy of this discussion, and why I consider it so imperative that this issue is brought to her attention. If she is not a close, and I mean near blood relative, sibling, or child, I don't think that it would be a worthwhile consideration. The bottom line is that each person is entitled to their own personal style of dress, whether it meets with my own personal approval or standards. Each person has their own perceptions of what is acceptable to them. Just because I personally feel that they would look much better with a different hair style, or more toned down, clothing, gives me little right to move forward with my unsolicited personal suggestions. Let's face it ladies, under these types of situations, there is no easy way to broach this subject, unless it is first suggested by the party in question -- and even then, it is a pretty murky area in which to venture. Unless this person asks for an honest assessment of how they look, or how they dress, there is no true justification for this action.

In my opinion, it is better to smile, and nod, keeping our personal opinions and thoughts of disgust closely guarded. The best rule of thumb to follow is simple, and timeless: "do unto others, as you would have them to do unto you." In this way we may avoid inflicting unnecessary pain upon others, and avoid experiencing potential conficts as a result.

I understand what the sista is saying about inflicting unnecessary pain by discussing another sista's particular style of dress BUT I must agree with the last sista, if we don't talk about it who will? I believe that the way a person is approached about the subject makes a big difference. If you approach that sista with an attitude or a tone of disapproval, guess what? You most likely will get your feelings hurt. Now if you took the time to develop a good repore with them, your conversation on their style of dress will more than likely be received even if they don't take your advice.

mygram wrote:In response to the last sistas reply: While that sounds real good and correct. Is it not our place as sistas to discuss it?, if we don't who will? There is a way to do anything. If any time, this would be an ideal opportunity to find a way to bring it to this sista without trying to making her feel as if she must meet our standards, but to make it, she does have to meet the standards of the workforce. If the sista seems to be capable of otherwise doing the job well, as a sista, would it not be relevent to her possible opportunity for advancement to step up her dress game?

So . . . one may infer from these lively discussions that as women, our main underlying motivation for bringing up this very touchy, and potentially hurtful subject to another woman about what she is wearing, or her choice of style is: it's our place to do so?"

Why, may I ask? Why is this "our" place? Simply because we all belong to the "sistahood" of women, does that give us the unlicensed permission and civil sanction to impose our unsolicited advice and opinions upon others? Yep, know all about that "free speech" thing, but I am in total disagreement here. Didn't know how strongly I felt about it really before engaging in this conversation, however, so I guess it is good to get it all out in the open and off my chest.

Personally, I've known these women, no doubt I have probably been one of these women that wants to be who I am, and wear what I want to wear. Never have cared too much about if other women approved, or disapproved. If it made me happy to wear it, then that was my personal choice. Not one to follow the fashion trends, or social standards set by "who knows who," but some women simply create and have their own sense of personal style. Then there are other women with misguided intentions who look at them judgingly, and talk about them behind their backs -- winking their eyes, and talking in muted tones under their breath to their co-workers as she passes by, about how so and so "would be cute if only she . . ."

My Grandmother used to have many sayings, but here is one that comes to mind right now, "I've got about six months, to mind my own business, and about another six months, to leave yo' business alone!"

Come on ladies, if she's not your real close friend, relative, or child, and don't ask you (first) how she looks, or what she may need to feel better about herself, or to improve her potential for getting a better career position or advancement, let's have a little mercy, and keep our mouths closed! I give this one a big "thumbs down!"

cesjkids wrote:As I was reading the responses to this scenario, my mind when back to something that I hread TJ Jakes say the other day. He was talking about the fact that all of us have a twin. The twin is the hidden one inside of us. What we see on the outside is not all there is to a person. Everyone has a inside and that's where the heart is. The loud talking, smiling, obnoxious sista may be concealing hidden hurts or fears on the inside. Maybe what she really needs is someone to talk to. Rather than tell her about herself, maybe over lunch or brunch you could talk about some things that make her smile, or goals that she's trying to reach. In other words, take the opportunity to get to know her beyond the surface. You may be surprised to find that she might appreciate you taking a genuine interest in her.

This is a wise perspective. We all are "under construction." We have not yet become all that we are destined to be. You are right in suggesting that someone who appears to be loud, and "ghetto," may be concealing hidden hurts or fears on the inside. However, the flip side to this is that she may simply be portraying her personality as it is. I encourage all of us as women to learn to "accept" others as they are, rather than to try to impose our will upon them, attempting to make them over, as some have suggested. Let's spend our time being the women that we are called to be, setting our own positive example through our own personal witness and demonstrated style of dress and speech. Amen, Sista!

athompson63, I have to agree with you! I personally would be insulted and think to myself,"who does this woman think she is?" On the other hand if it is a friend, family member or a professional fashion consultant then that is a different story.

When we see a sista that we want to help, we must consider the fact that she may not “want”, or feel as though she needs our help. What do you do when you’re trying to do what you think is right to help a sista, how would you approach the situation?

Well firstly is it because you want to help her or is it because you dont understand.Everyone has their own style and am sure everyone looks at some peoples and thinks.What are they wearing? Well its their choice.
So many people tell a sista about her style not because it is bad but because they do not understand it.Where the boot on the other foot.How would you feel if they said it to you?

I think if you really need to tell someone do it with grace.Explain that maybe it isnt the best outfit for a certain place.I would only ever tell a friend to.Even then I think is it really my place to. I also only ever listen to a friends advice on what I am wearing and they are only true dear friends who are very much like my sisters.

You prob wondering why I wouldent tell someone .The reason being because they may think that they look a million dolars as they say.You saying they dont will not really make any difference other then making them feel bad.If they really like it it isnt gona stop them wearing it.No matter what you say.Remember that you could loes a friendship over it if you dont think what you are saying before you open your mouth.

two sisters wrote:There’s a sista you know that “could be” a beautiful woman, she’s intelligent and capable, but her personality is a bit “ghetto”, and her style of dress is a little, ok, a lot off. Too tight, too short, too loud, too much!
Your intentions are good and honest, you want to “help” her, but how would she take your attempt to help?

Question:

When we see a sista that we want to help, we must consider the fact that she may not “want”, or feel as though she needs our help. What do you do when you’re trying to do what you think is right to help a sista, how would you approach the situation?

I do not find myself in this situation often, as far as a friend wearing something "to short or to loud or to much" But some of my friend are "style" challenged, ( as I like to call it) So What I do in those situations is suggest a girls day out. Even if we don't have much money to go out shopping at all the hot stores at the mall we go shopping! I have always been known as being thrifty, a trait that I picked up by my mother. So I can take a little and get a lot out of it! My friends usually do not disagree with my choice of cloths, and I let them show mw what they like and I find in updated out fit that still fits their style. Because I do not want to create a mini me, but I am just trying to create an up to date look that will flatter their assets!
We usually have a blast and they learn a few new stylish tips! and now most of them have learned that if they have a going out event coming up they always call me for either to borrow an outfit from me or they tell me "WE NEED TO GO SHOPPING"! And I love this, because it lets me know they need me as much as I need them. ( For other reason than style pointers! lol )
That is just my experience on this topic, hope this has someone else! Holla