Drifting Apart

You and one of your closest friends seem to be drifting apart. She’s going through a messy separation, and you really want to be there for her now more than ever but she seems to want a little space. As time goes by you touch bases with her now and then either through text, or a call, but things just are not quite right and you never seem to be able to get together. You miss her terribly but you’re starting to feel like your prayers are going to have to do, and you’ll just wait for her to call you. But what if she doesn’t?

Question:

Have you ever lost a friend to circumstance? Real friends are hard to come by but can circumstance take a “real friend”?

I truly believe that a true friend will be around through thick and thin. I can recall people that I called friends that I have lost contact with or as time goes by we just seem to grow apart. I have tried to call just to say hello and see how they are going but things just don't seem the same. True friends go with you through the good times and bad and I don't believe that they will let circumstances destroy their friendship.

My sister has finally found her true love supposedly, she hasn't even been with the guy a year and she is alreadt pregnant and due un Dec.. do the math anyways when ever she is with someone she makes this person her whole world and she forgets about everyone and everything, so I have decided to stay away especially when I caught him lying... so my question is sould I tell her how I feel or just keep my distance?

Sometimes our real blood sisters are not as fatihful as our sistas. We naturally expect more from our kin, but think about it, all women go through a "stupid phase", sometimes it's early in life and sometimes it's later, when there is a man that comes between the sistahood/friendship it takes on a entirely different shape. Maybe she is hoping someone does tell her something. If you don't who will?

I believe no matter what happens your true friend is your friend forever. I am in a similar situation.I have had a best friend for over 16 years. I got married to someone in the military so we have not physically been around each other but talked a lot on the phone and emails.

Now that we are out of the military and she lives in pasadena (40 minutes away), we don't talk as much, or see each other. but I know if I need her she will be their for me, and I would be their for her.

I have two girlfriends whom I've regarded as true friends for more than 20 years. One of them is really down to earth, and is the epitome of a TRUE FRIEND, so I continue to bond and spend time with her more than I do with the other, and for me...that's alright. What I have learned is that friendships have seasons. When a friendhsip is new, it's like seeds sewn in the fertile earth on a spring day. If the seeds of friendship are properly fed and nurtured, they flourish and grow into a strong relationship. Sometimes a friendship is long and hot, and full of adventure, fun, and excitement like the days of summer. As the autumn of a friendship approaches, the relationship may begin to wane toward the dormance of winter. This may or may not be good thing. The dormant period is a time for evaluation and regrouping in the name of fortifying and/or rejuvenating the friendship. In spring the friendship has the potential to be reborn. My down to earth girl and I will always be friends. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten and second grade. My other girl,...well, I still regard her as "my girl," but we have drifted apart. We've been through a lot but presently we're engaged in a long winter. We have yet to have that "Come to Jesus" type courageous conversation, but once we do, our winter will meld into spring and we will again, feed and nurture our relationship.

Yes, I have lost a friend to circumstances, we had what appeared to be a solid friendship, a sistahood as a matter of fact. Our teenage daughters had a disagreement that went way too far, my "friend" decided to step in and verbally abuse my daughter. Well, you must know that when it comes to your children and someone, anyone going too far in what they say to them there is going to be a problem. I of course voiced my opinion on how she should have allowed the young ladies to work it out and one word lead to another and by the time it was over what I thought was a disagreement that would blow over after everyone cooled off turned out to be the end of our friendship. She never called me again nor I her. I have often wondered how something so minor could break up a 5 yr friendship then I stopped wondering and came to grips with the fact that if the friendship was as solid as I thought it was, something like this could have never come between us. Perhaps our season was simply over.

Ladies I can speak to this one from the other side. I have been the friend that has been going through and simply stopped talking to people, even my closest friend. What I can say in regard to the fact that she seems to need space is that she most likely does need space. Sometimes when you're going through things especially when it has to do with your man be it your boyfriend, or your husband, there are things that happen, words that are said, situations that to be honest, you just don't want, or need to share. Sometimes it is due to embarassment, sometimes disbelief, sometimes confusion. In relationships whether most sistas admit it or not, things happen and you find yourself going through things that you never in a million years thought you would experience, nobody can hurt you like the people you love the most. In my case my man at the time said and done some things to me that I simply could not tell ANYBODY. You need time to make decisions, and lick your wounds. She'll come around once she is better, right now it's not about your friendship or anyone else she may just need time to find herself again. Be a friend and give her the time and space she obviously needs, then be there for her when she calls. That is the kind of friend she needs.

garden granny wrote:Ladies I can speak to this one from the other side. I have been the friend that has been going through and simply stopped talking to people, even my closest friend. What I can say in regard to the fact that she seems to need space is that she most likely does need space. Sometimes when you're going through things especially when it has to do with your man be it your boyfriend, or your husband, there are things that happen, words that are said, situations that to be honest, you just don't want, or need to share. Sometimes it is due to embarassment, sometimes disbelief, sometimes confusion. In relationships whether most sistas admit it or not, things happen and you find yourself going through things that you never in a million years thought you would experience, nobody can hurt you like the people you love the most. In my case my man at the time said and done some things to me that I simply could not tell ANYBODY. You need time to make decisions, and lick your wounds. She'll come around once she is better, right now it's not about your friendship or anyone else she may just need time to find herself again. Be a friend and give her the time and space she obviously needs, then be there for her when she calls. That is the kind of friend she needs.

Sistas! All of your posts ring so very true in my heart . . . But, Garden Granny, I felt your words resounding in my spirit! Been there, done that! I have been on both sides of this fence, perhaps too many times. But, I truly know how it feels to be going through a time in your life where you just don't want to talk to anyone, especially your sistagirl -- who will not hesitate to tell you just like it 't-i-s!' She probably is right! But, at the time, you can't bare to hear her words of wisdom. She probably has all the right answers, but your pain is so intense, you cannot bare to hear them at that time.

I remember when I was waaay out there. Let's just say, I went over the fence, and my sista knew that. She warned me that she was hurting inside because of my erroneous ways. I was gambling like a fool, and I was on the verge of losing everything. I had a new habit, and it was overtaking me. I couldn't seem to see how much it was hurting her, but, this was my life, wasn't it? I didn't want nobody telling me how to live my life. As a matter of fact, I was sick of people telling me how to run my life! Where were they when I needed them anyway? I was going through a phase where I was in mourning, in pain, and didn't know which way was up. Gambling seemed to numb my sense of awareness. It was a new thrill, that gave me a feeling of euphoria that I hadn't experienced in a looong while. I didn't have a man, and when I was gambling, who cared? On the flip side, I was risking losing all my money, and my life. Whenever you allow something to take over your mind, body, and spirit, you are in serious danger! I didn't realize how close to death that I was as it progressed over the years. My sista girl couldn't bare to watch me. She pulled away from me. She said that she wouldn't be my enabler. I couldn't call her to pick up my kids when I was late because I was at the casino, and too far to get to the daycare in time. I thought she was just being rude, and uppity, but I know now that she was trying to use tough love on me. I wouldn't listen to her reason, and her wisdom. She always think she know so much anyway! I pulled away from her, and was like, "good riddance!" Just leave me the hell alone! Well, needless to say, after some years, I began to see the aftermath of my years of destructive behavior. I began to see what I had lost. More than money, I lost friends, my credibility, I lost my connection to myself, and I almost lost my mind. It was a downhill spiral that lasted many years before I could find a way out. The only way out was to jump off! I was on the verge of death, and I mean that literally! My sista was there, but she wasn't there . . . I know why. We would talk occasionally, but I wouldn't tell her anything much. If I was in trouble, I wouldn't share with her any details, because I didn't want to hear what she would say. I couldn't bare the "I told you so's!"

But, God . . . God, is able! That is all that I can say. When he puts someone in your life, yes there is a season for all things, but some people are there for specific reasons and assignments. This sista was there to help me to grow, and to help me to be all that God wanted me to be. I could not see it then, because she was so damned "pushy!" She was just too pushy because she loved me just that much. Sometimes, we cannot see in ourselves what others can see. We are not there yet! But, thanks be to God, his mercy, and his grace, that he allows us just enough room to grow. There were a lot of years in between then and now, but I can say, that she didn't go far. She let me have my row, and my space. She let me go, for a time . . . but, when I was ready to talk, she was right there, and all I can say is: Thank God!

Wow! This site is on the real! I had not really thought of the flip side of the posted scenario until I read AThompson's response. I have found myself withdrawing from a relationship when I could no longer stand the hurt. Funny thing is, that it didn't matter whether it was a girlfriend, boyfriend, family member, co-worker, classmate or anyone else - the reaction is the same. It's HARD to stand by when someone is hurting and crying out for help. Again, on the flip side, I have hid myself from friends and family when I was hurting. I didn't want to share my troubles or burden anybody with what I was going through, mainly because I didn't want to hear anything negative regarding my decisions. BUT, thank God for friends and family that he has placed in our lives to stand with us through thick and thin. It may be necessary to step back a bit but not off. Sometimes that space or sense of lost connection to you may be what's needed to get that relationship back on the right track.