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    Broken Behind the Truth

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    two sisters
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    Broken Behind the Truth

    Post  two sisters on Mon May 10, 2010 1:06 pm

    It’s been five years and not one word has been spoken. The last conversation that you had with your sista ended on a sour note. There have been plenty of arguments that have ended badly, but this last one had a lingering affect. As best you can recall, it had something to do with how she manages her finances. There was a lot of yelling and name calling. Things got heated, to the point that it almost got physical. The last thing you remember was snatching up your belonging and slamming the door on your way out to your car. You really do miss your sista and regret how things have turned out.

    Question:

    How do you mend a relationship that is broken behind the truth? Does time really heal all hurts?
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    It takes two . . .

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Tue May 11, 2010 9:11 pm

    two sisters wrote:It’s been five years and not one word has been spoken. The last conversation that you had with your sista ended on a sour note. There have been plenty of arguments that have ended badly, but this last one had a lingering affect. As best you can recall, it had something to do with how she manages her finances. There was a lot of yelling and name calling. Things got heated, to the point that it almost got physical. The last thing you remember was snatching up your belonging and slamming the door on your way out to your car. You really do miss your sista and regret how things have turned out.

    Question:

    How do you mend a relationship that is broken behind the truth? Does time really heal all hurts?



    To mend a relationship that is broken behind the truth takes sincere two-way dialogue, frank and open heart-to-heart, dialogue, and honesty. More than this, it takes people to have a willing heart to forgive ... People have to be willing to let go of past mistakes, and move forward with renewed faith and trust. I sincerely believe that friendships can be repaired when people realize there is value there worth the saving. But, one person alone cannot do this, it takes two . . .



    One thing I have learned about those closest to you is that because they are so close, whatever you do, right or wrong, seems to affect them greatly. I have learned that I am not as isolated as I may have thought -- and that my actions have a rippling, trickle down effect upon those who are closest to me in my life. This not only includes family members, but also my closest and dearest friends. My dear Sista once pointed out to me after she determined that I was on a crash course heading towards self destruction, that she’d dreamed that the both of us were going headlong over a high cliff, and she was screaming not so nice obscenities at me as we plunged headlong to our certain death! This dream seemed to dramatically epitomize how closely related we were, and how my foolish actions were in fact leading not only to my ultimate demise, but hers as well. She loved me just that much. Well, I have long wondered about this dream, and wondered why what I did should have such an effect upon her life. It is my life, after all, isn’t it? Right or wrong, if I wanted to be a gambling fool, and live like there is no rhyme or reason, isn’t it my prerogative? Well, my Sista, did not see it this way, and she let me know that she was totally pissed off at me because I was acting stupidly, like a fool! Long story short, “she” had a plan for my life, and I was messing it up! She saw all the good in me, and my potential to be so much more than what she considered I was living up to. Of course, I resented her imposing her will upon my life, and I also strongly resented her opinionated way of expressing her thoughts about what she felt I should or should not be doing. This only made me angry, and made me want to tell her to go “piss up a rope!” But, being the headstrong, opinionated person that she was/is, she really didn’t care, how I felt. She let me have it, and so, as you have probably figured out, we didn’t talk much after that, if much at all. This went on for a few years . . . I let her go, and she let me let her go. Good riddance, I can remember thinking at one point, I was free to “do me!” She told me years later that it just hurt her too much to see me doing the things I was doing, and she could not bare to watch any longer. She wasn’t going to be an “enabler.” I, on the other hand, just wanted to be free of those people who were so quick to judge me, and had so many preconceived notions about who they thought that I was, and what they thought I should be doing with my life. What I have learned after years have now past, is that I was the foolish one, and as usual, she was the wise one. I probably knew this way back then, but I was not ready to be the person that I knew I was destined to become. I was caught up in my own doubts, and my own fears. I was wallowing in remorse and hidden pain of past failures, and nobody, (so I thought) understood really what I was going through. So, I can relate totally to this scenario because ultimately, I was a total wreck, and wouldn’t allow anyone to offer words that could possibly be corrective. Quite the opposite, I told them where to get off, and with my sharp, razor-like words, I cut them up, and spit them out! I was a fool. Now I know, that friends will not always see things the way that you want them to see them. They have may offer a totally different perspective. You may not like it, and being the imperfect people that we tend to be, you may totally rebel and tell them to leave you alone! A true friend will give you space to grow, even though your actions greatly affect them. They will have strong feelings and will often experience serious pain because they love you and care for your well being just that much. What to do? I can’t call it. We can only be who we are, and only as far as we see, can we be! Others can see you from the outside looking in . . . but we often do not see what they see. I don’t recommend that anyone live their life just to please others. This only robs you in the long run. I do however, recommend that you learn to be wise, pausing just long enough to hear. Rather than being hasty in words, (like me), and actions (like me), learn to listen. When we take the time to really hear . . . in time, we do learn, as we grow. We really do.
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    Marsha

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    Ouch; the truth hurts

    Post  Marsha on Wed May 12, 2010 12:01 am

    Sarah's Daughter you really hit home in so many areas. Ouch; the truth hurts! I can truly say that the ones you love can hurt you the most. While that may seem like they are the ones inflicting pain, that's not necessarily the case. Often times, we are the ones that inflict pain because of our own individual way of doing things and our perspective on things. I can remember having a discussion with one of my closest friends regarding a decision that they were pondering. You know how it is, you spill your guts thinking that your words will help to influence them in the right direction (whatever direction that is). Well, when all was said and done, the decision they made was a silly one to me and I felt that they had completely disregarded everything that I said. What I failed to realize is that they had to live with the decision they made whether I agreed with it or not. But that did not stop me from putting space between us because I felt that I was wasting my time telling them anything. I am learning that no matter how you try and tell someone the truth, it's ultimately up to them to accept it; that also includes me when someone shares the truth with me. I'll be the first one to say that it's hard to watch the ones you love hurt behind the truth but it'll hurt many times more if they believe a lie. Sometimes space is needed in order to let the truth sink. Real relationships should be able to survive the storm because of the foundation they are built upon. So it took me a minute to get myself together and acknowledge that I still loved them inspite of the decision I thought that they should have made and slowly but surely our relationship mended.
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    Auntie G

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    I've been here.....

    Post  Auntie G on Wed May 12, 2010 8:25 pm

    This one hits home for me on both sides of the fence. I have been the one who has told a friend the truth about a situation and lost a friend, which is still lost, and I have been the one who the truth has been told to, and again, the friendship was lost, and remains such.
    As usual, Sista's Common Sense Corner to the rescue, dang ya'll what did we do before we had this?, you sistas bring it real... no doubt, you have made me have to look at my part in my situations.
    I must admit that my attitude was kind of like, "If we were really friends, like I thought, how could an arguement come between us?"
    Well after hearing it in a couple different ways here, and then on Dail Hill's facebook page, I read something that said,
    "People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone" that makes so much sense to me, (common sense, get it bom ) but really, I guess what I'm saying is that someone, has got to realize the value of a true and real friendship, and swallow the pride and ego and go to the sista and try to make peace.
    Now if she trips.....Well, thats a different story, then you must be woman enough, Christian enough, strong enough, Holy enough, prayed up enough, not to curse her out, and possibly beat her down, but to know that the purpose for the assignment has been served, and move on.
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Now if she trips . . .

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Sun May 16, 2010 6:59 pm

    Auntie G wrote:This one hits home for me on both sides of the fence. I have been the one who has told a friend the truth about a situation and lost a friend, which is still lost, and I have been the one who the truth has been told to, and again, the friendship was lost, and remains such.
    As usual, Sista's Common Sense Corner to the rescue, dang ya'll what did we do before we had this?, you sistas bring it real... no doubt, you have made me have to look at my part in my situations.
    I must admit that my attitude was kind of like, "If we were really friends, like I thought, how could an arguement come between us?"
    Well after hearing it in a couple different ways here, and then on Dail Hill's facebook page, I read something that said,
    "People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone" that makes so much sense to me, (common sense, get it bom ) but really, I guess what I'm saying is that someone, has got to realize the value of a true and real friendship, and swallow the pride and ego and go to the sista and try to make peace.
    Now if she trips.....Well, thats a different story, then you must be woman enough, Christian enough, strong enough, Holy enough, prayed up enough, not to curse her out, and possibly beat her down, but to know that the purpose for the assignment has been served, and move on.

    Auntie G, girl, I'm right there with you. We have both been on both sides of the fence, and its by being on both sides that we gain a fuller perspective of this situation. I especially related to what you said about "now if she trips . . . well, that's a different story!" Yeah, well we all know that some trippin' will mostly likely take place when one assumes the role of advisor, giving unsolicited advice! You said that we must be woman enough, Christian enough, strong enough, and Holy enough . . . and lastly, we must be prayed up enough not to curse her right back out! This is the ultimate challenge. My hardest challenge has been to keep silent, no matter what side of the fence I happened to be on. You can't make too much out of silence. When a person takes the time to simply listen, and refrain from giving back a "piece of their mind," they can actually hear what the other person is saying. When we are so angry from the jump that another person is saying something that we vehemently object to, we just can't wait until they pause speaking before we jump into the fray. This is how arguments get started, and ultimately how fights get started. You said a mouthful about being prayed up enough, because this is our challenge as Christians, and as faithful believers. We've got to learn how to wait for the "green light" which is affirmation or confirmation from God that this is the assignment that He has given us to tackle. If he has given us this assignment, then, not to say that it will be easy and go without some struggle, but in the long run, he will get the victory! If he is on board, first, and we have prayed seeking his guidance, first, then, when we speak on the matter, it will work out in divine, perfect order. This is not to say also that the other person will be all receptive, and welcome us with open arms either! No, no, quite the contrary. Sometimes, they will not hear, but whatever the outcome, God will have the last say in the matter. I am in a similar situation with my daughter. Just waiting for her to come into her right mind about a few things. What I know, and what she "thinks" she knows are in totally opposite worlds right now. There are things that I want to tell her, but I know if I speak too harshly, or too hastily, she will not receive my words well. She will become bitter, and she will close the doors between us. I already know this, because she is my daughter . . . get it--? The emphasis on 'my!' They say that the "apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," so she is just another new and improved version of "me" not so many years ago. She is convinced that she is doing the right things with her life, and that she will be alright. I have my own thoughts on the subject, and know that she could be doing so much better. So, what is a mother to do? I have given it over to the will of almighty God. I have prayed, and I have fasted. I am convinced that he knows right where she is, and he will take care of the rest. No more sleepless nights, no more heartaches, and no more thinking that I have to be the one to fix everything for everybody! God is in ultimate control. This is how I have learned over time to deal with situations that are out of my control for we all have to live our own lives. Sometimes loving someone dearly means loving them enough to turn them over to the hands of God who created them, for he's the best knower! This methods works pretty good for them hard-headed Sista's as well.
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    Auntie G

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    Re: Broken Behind the Truth

    Post  Auntie G on Sat May 22, 2010 12:32 pm

    Ok, Sarahs Daughter, girl you must be working for Sista's Common Sense Corner, you and them definately know how to put it to a sista so that I had no choice but to go to my friend, (very very prayed up) and we were able to sit down and hear one another. Things had truely been taken both out of context, and honestly once we both got a hold of some of the words, we had given them a life of their own. Things that were said one way had been mulitplied and divided. All and all, we both learned a great lesson and one that we all have heard from the time we were little girls, "Think before you speak, words have power".
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    jlee

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    Re: Broken Behind the Truth

    Post  jlee on Wed Jun 02, 2010 10:44 pm

    Auntie G, you must know my mom because she would tell me the same thing, "think before you speak." How true the saying. I can't tell you how many times I've given someone a piece of my mind or would "speak my mind." I also remember my mom saying to me "you need your own mind," meaning that it was not alway good to say everything that came to my mind. To my regret, I have caused my share of damage by speaking my mind whereever I thought it was necessary. I have discovered that it's better to hold my peace until I am calm enough or the atmosphere is right to discuss matters of the heart. That's not to say that everything will be "peachy" but it will help to keep the situation from escalating to new heights. I have had to do some real soul searching and ask family and friends for forgiveness behind the truth as I perceived it. What a humbling experience, to know that you have spoken the truth, yet the way it was taken brings about a truly unexpected twist. Again, I draw on mom's teaching; "it's not what you say but how you say it." I have learned that sometimes the truth has a compound effect. First, it hurts because it's the truth and second, you really don't appreciate hearing it from the person that's bringing it. Thank God for Sista's Common Sense Corner where I can speak from my heart and experience other sistas sharing their hearts as well. I've got to say this site has before therapy for me. Let's keep on sharing the truth my sistas, you just don't know how much you are helping others sistas like me. Smile
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    CassandraDesiree<3

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    It has been my experience

    Post  CassandraDesiree<3 on Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:28 am

    So far I have only had one friendship that has truly come to an end, with an argument. However I will not try to rekindle whatever we may have had. We were only friends for a short period of time and we met threw a mutual friend. It is not because the things she said are not forgivable because I have already forgiving her, but it was because according to her she never really was my friend to begin with. She said she kept me around for "entertainment" and insulting me in every way possible. I will not sit here and say that I didn't come back with some of my own and I have ask God to forgive me for what was said. I was just completely throed off by how it started. I guess I must tell you how all this started for you to understand, however I will not go into details as to what was said between us. We talked daily on the phone and if not on the phone on face book. She had some medical issues and I was there for her in every way a friend could be in her time of need. She had an appointment to go into the hospital for a sleep test ans was to stay for several days. I had told her in casual conversation that I wish we could change places, because at that time I was so stressed I wanted a break from my kids my husband and my life. She took this the wrong way and got angry and said quickly she had to go. She was in the hospital my birthday weekend, however she had her lap top at the hospital with her and wished me a happy birthday. When she came home I went to do a college on face book of all my BFF's and noticed she was off my friends list. I sent her a message asking why, and why could we not discuss what was wrong like adults? I never got a straight answer and thats when the insulting started. After a few heated messages back and forth I left it and her alone.
    A month or so later my daughter had her honors day program and I invited out mutual friend. Well she found out and said she was going to go. I sent her a message asking her not to because if she thought so little of me why would she want to go to MY daughters honors day? She said that I was not a capable parent and that my daughter needed some "real" support there. Needless to say her insults started again and I finally told her fine come if you must but DO NOT ruin this day for my daughter. She did not come and I just want to say that if I am such an incapable then why was my daughter reading at the age of 4 and why did she get all A's all year and receive principles honors and a certificate signed by out president also receiving 2 meddles 2 trophies and multiple certificates!? Because I am a capable mother and I don't need approval from someone who try's to degrade others!
    So yes time healed those wounds of pain, and it hurt the most to think the whole time she was never a true friend, but I will NEVER try to befriend her again.
    However any arguments I have gotten into with my other friends ( which there have been a few) has always been resolved with both of us not being able to say sorry enough to the other for what was said! If they are a true friend they will want to end the feud as much as you do, and those are the only friends I want around me and my family!
    Sorry if I went on to long and seem to linger off the subject maybe that was just something I needed to get off my chest! -- Holla Smile

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    Re: Broken Behind the Truth

    Post  Guest on Mon Jul 05, 2010 5:32 am

    How do you mend a relationship that is broken behind the truth? Does time really heal all hurts?

    Well I think time can heal alot.But in depends on the individual.Some people are so forgiving that things can be healed fast.Others take more time to gain that trust to come back to the friendship.Other dont at all!

    I have a close friend who growing up I had so many arguments with, like you do as a teenager.Mostly because she was changing into someone that wasent responsible. She did things and never thought till later what the out come could be.So often I had to be the one to say sorry even though I hadent always started it.Something I was taught was to never go to bed on an argument and to always say sorry.Even if your not in the wrong your the better person for doing it.

    I think if God can forgive the many things people do wrong can we at least try to.Time can heal so much because everyone grows with age and so does the way they look at things in life. As we grow older we learn to relise that forgivness can sometimes be the best way.
    The one time I never said sorry after an argument I will regreat for the rest of my life.I very dear friend of mine was round and we had a small argument and so she went home.The next day I was at dancing and she became ill fast and died.To this day I regreat not listening to what my great nana taught me and saying sorry.Would of taken two mins to do so but I was being bitter and sour faced.

    I think if they are truly a friend then arguments can be sorted out.If it is someone you are suppose to know a lifetime.Some people are for a day,some to teach you a lesson and some are here for a lifetime.If you look at it that way a friendship is never lost.When ever a friend tells me something I must admite I sometimes think.Thanks for that love you to.But then I take a step back to see why? More often then not its just because they care so much.

    I have not as yet lost a friendship that has come completely to an end.I mean even the people that picked on my so much at school who I argued with so much I still talk to.I just keep the lessons that I learned from it all.Now trust would never be their but fogivness can be.Even now I fight for confidence becuase of it but through them being so judgemental and nasty made me see the pure beauty in others.Made me take time to notice all the people that others dont.Like the quite girl that doesent speak but has so many good ideas or the old lady that really needs help but is to shy to ask.

    So be the bigger person call your friend and make up.Life is hard enough so you need all your sistas you can.If I can forgive people that beat me up constantle at schoool.Can you not forgive a sista who maybe explain what she wanted to say slightly wrong?
    Everyone has a mistake or two and says things when they are made they dont mean.

    I will say some people do do things that maybe are unforgivable so its each to their own.God bless!!
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    schoolgirl

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    Thank You

    Post  schoolgirl on Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:06 am

    I was just reading some of the experiences that have been shared and I wanted to say thank you sistas for sharing your world with me. Harmony, I can truly relate to being mistreated but remembering not to let the sun go down without making things right. I don't know how many times I've had to be the one to say I'm sorry so that my slate would be clean. That didn't mean that they were accepting but I could rest knowing that I have done my part to make things right. Friends are hard to come by so when you find one, you definitely want to keep them close.

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