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    My Father My Man

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    two sisters
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    My Father My Man

    Post  two sisters on Fri Apr 09, 2010 8:34 pm

    Growing up there was me, my sister, my moma and my nanny (that’s what we called my grandmother). My daddy came over everyday but he didn’t live with us. My daddy died when I was seven years old.

    Question:

    A father figure in a woman’s life has so much to do with a woman’s expectation of a man. The absence of a father figure has an even greater impact. What kind of impact did your father or the absence of your father have on you?
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    My Father, My Man . . . and my Mother

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Sat Apr 10, 2010 6:39 pm

    two sisters wrote:Growing up there was me, my sister, my moma and my nanny (that’s what we called my grandmother). My daddy came over everyday but he didn’t live with us. My daddy died when I was seven years old.

    Question:

    A father figure in a woman’s life has so much to do with a woman’s expectation of a man. The absence of a father figure has an even greater impact. What kind of impact did your father or the absence of your father have on you?


    Every little girl harbors dreams of her father. Perhaps this is my assumption, but whether or not she ever knew him, it is my belief that she desires to know him. I believe that a father, or the lack thereof, greatly influences the way in which a woman grows up to see herself, the woman that she ultimately becomes, and the men that she comes to have relationships with.

    I grew up knowing my father because he was there . . . most of the time. In and out, after the many times he left us, or mama left him, he was still there. I knew him, and I lived with him, most of the time. I loved him dearly, and he loved me, but he was in no way the perfect father. It seemed that he loved me unconditionally -- no matter what I did, no matter how I messed up, he never stopped loving me. Without a doubt, he was the coolest man I have ever known, with his chronic weed smoking self, he was loving, he was funny, and he was what many would consider to be a workaholic. He worked with big, strong hands installing draperies and designing custom window treatments for fancy, rich people’s homes. He was considered to be “a good catch,” the perfect husband, or so they thought. The white women lavished him with praise and adoration, and he soaked it up like the air he needed to breathe. He was strong then, lean, dark, tall, and he was fine. All the women loved him, especially my mother, cause he was a seemingly good natured, generous, creative, and a hardworking black man, but, with all those attributes -- he could also be very demanding, temperamental, even brutal, and physically abusive at times. Too many times as a young girl growing up, I witnessed the aftermath of the horrific beatings inflicted upon my mother. The time he broke her nose, and she would yell, scream, and cry for her mother to save her, I watched crouching from the shadows of my bedroom wondering when she would ever fight back. I think I hated her more for not fighting back, and it was then that I vowed to never let a man beat me like that. He left us then, for the first time. I remember to this day how I cried. It seemed as if I would never stop crying for my father. It was as if he were leaving me, forever. I watched him leave from the downstairs window, and I just cried as if my world had ended. Even though this man viciously and brutally inflicted such pain upon my mother, I still loved him with all my heart . . . and he was still my father. I hurt because he hurt, and this has not changed to this day.

    I remember how mama loved him too. She loved him to the point where at the tender age of 13, she fed him chocolate cake while hiding him under her bed. Conceived at the tender age of 14, in the early 60’s, I was their first love child. Daddy and Mama showed me what real love looked like. It was fun, and it was sweet. They were young, and they were playfully and tenderly devoted to one another. She doted on him, and brought his dinner on a special tray to eat while watching t.v. on the living room couch. She even let him put his big feet on her lap, clipping his toenails as they kissed all the time. He pulled her close and they’d dance, and they laughed. Then, without any advance notice he got out his electric drill and his tool belt, and began to build something fantastic in our home with his big, strong hands. To me, this is what love looked like.

    Even though he was not perfect by anyone’s standards, he was still the man that set the standards for me and the bar by which most men that eventually would come into my life would be measured. My father took me on my first date at 16, and helped me to understand the imperfections and the weaknesses of men. As I watched him deal with his inner demons and drug addictions that ultimately took his life at age 61, I became a woman. I became a woman who saw a man that needed a woman to be strong, and to be sure of who she is -- no matter what. I became a woman who saw a man that needed a woman to be strong against all odds, but who must also be loving, forgiving , and wise.

    As odd as it may seem, and it does seem odd to me, even today, I personally held a grudge against my own mother for years because of the weaknesses that I thought she had within her. I resented her, and I believe I was mad at her because she did not fight back – not then. It was years before she found the strength to fight back, and by then, we all just wanted her to stop. Their marriage long over, carried residuals that spilled over into my life impacting me deeply. Deep within, I know that the woman that I am today is directly related to the people that I have come to know and love growing up. My father, and yes, even my mother -- helped me to become the woman that I am today.
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    Auntie G

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    Still Not So Sure

    Post  Auntie G on Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:04 pm

    I'm still not so sure I really want to answer this one. I've been looking at it every since it came up, and thinking if I really wanted to get into this and again I am still not sure.
    My father was in my life for a short period of time, he died when I was young but the time he was there he was simply larger than life to me. Can you say fine?, my daddy was just fine, he dressed well, he had a brand new car, he always smelled so good, and his voice was like butter, as smooth as can be. It was just that when he got mad, he would be soooooo cold to my mother, he would tell her to get ready to go out for dinner and if she wasn't ready to go when he was ready and I mean by just one minute, he would just take me and my sister and leave her, we would be so sad and confused, we wanted to be with my daddy but we would feel so sorry for my moma. This happened a couple times and we wouldn't eat when daddy ordered the food, he got it after a minute and he never left moma again.
    When my daddy died my moma didn't get married again she just raised us with the help of our grandmother. We really didn't have a figure to go by, I wonder if that's where all the problems come from?????

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    Re: My Father My Man

    Post  Guest on Sun Apr 25, 2010 2:03 pm

    I just have to say I was lucky growing up in the idea I had both parents together still.I still live with them also although I sometimes wish things were a little different.
    I remember being a little girl and loving my parents deally.Always wondering and thinking or ways I could impress them and make them proud of me.I coulden't get enough of that love they had.That no matter how bad I was picked on at school or how I may do things wrong.I would always had their back up.But all change when I went to high school.

    My dad was brought up in a boarding school so love and support from parents was a no no.He was lucky if he even got to go home at the weekend.His brother on the other hand alwyas got to go home it was almost like he was the blue eyed boy that did no wrong.How this must have made my dad feel I woulden't like to think.
    My dad has bad sight so he was at a blind school.He was 7 when he left home to go there and had to be grown up before I think any should have to be.When he did go home for holidays and christmas his mum and dad were not the cuddles and kisses before bed type.They left them to live life on their own and make mistakes and were just there to keep them out of trouble.Money was hard to come by and so life was hard.He always tells us stories about how school memories are the best and his face lights up but home life seem to be a different story.Almost like a secret he doesen't want to share.There were 8 of them all together but they were closer the close.They always had each others back no matter what.How brothers and sisters should always be.How I am with mine.Nothing makes me prouder then when I get to say this is my brother/sister.

    My mum on the other hand had the most loving parents that no matter what she did she was always there little princess.Although her dad left when she was 10 because he had been seeing another women she still had support from her mum.This was such a hard time for my mum she went through bullying after this because she gained weight and became very much a loner.She lost that support and at the age of 16 was looking for a father figure.Which is why I think she chose my dad.With 14 years between them it is now starting to show.
    When her dad left she spend so much time with my great nana.She learned values she says she could not have learned from anyone else.Things that seem to not be as common now like manners and always standing up to let someone older sit down.Things that makke such a difference.

    So my parents both had different father figures and ideas of what parenthood should be.I was loved and I know they still love me to this day, but they didn't give us support and now its starting to show.
    I went through high school with very little friends because I was shy and not very confident.I hand glasses and wasent what the boys liked to see.So I was different I had manners and loved to help out which was not cool.
    My dad is negative and looks at every situation as to what can go wrong.I have tried to achieve so much and as you do in life I haven't always had a great outcome.Now I have relised this and learned a lesson everytime.Lessons that I value to this day and will share with others for many years to come.where as my dad sees it a a dissapointment and me being a let down.
    It was so hard being a teenager because it felt like no matter what we did we coulden't impress him.
    Then my dad had a heart attack and this quickly got worse.He blamed us.The burden at 13 being told that its your fault I had a heart attack.Makes you really think was it? This was when he started drinking more and more and started with what we call a "wobble gob".This was where he would come out with the most negative and black comments you could imagine.He would say things like"your a mistake" why are you here or "your no child of mine".Things that every child would hate to hear.A couple of years he missed saying happy birthday.One of which ill remember for many years to come.
    For a couple of years I was lost in a world of my own wondering had I done something wrong why didnt he say he loved me anymore why didnt he ever kiss me good night.As the months went by I stopped loving who I was.I didnt go out with friends and enjoy what most teenagers do.I stopped in time thinking everything was against me.I am now just experiencing what I should have done years ago.
    I never got into trouble at school, I always tried my hardest but it was still never enough.I spent so much time at dancing but my confidence was never fully there to believe in myself.
    My parents hardly ever went to see my anywhere they never wished me look with exams and never asked how my day was.
    I now still have no idea which way to go career wise.Am so scared of it going wrong.I don't mind myself I learn the lessons in life I just can't handle another "I told u so".
    I could have the whole world being funny with me and as long as my parents loved and supported me I would be fine.I know am 21 now and its upto me what I do in life.But how do I move on.How do I fill that hole.Where do I find that trust that not everyone is against me.
    Confidence is something I have to fight for everyday.That confidence to walk down the street and think I will make it.I want to make sure no one has to go through that feeling that you are not loved for you.
    I wasent aloud to go to church and my nana and great nana always went.I can tell you now there support couldent have been more.My great nana was 99 when she died and she taught me all I no about patience and love.How you can still love someone that treats you wrong and you can still love someone that says your a mistake and won't make anything with your life.
    So now I am trying to learn that I will always have Gods love and he will always be there when ever I need him. If I could go back in time I woulden't change a thing. I Having to fight for what I have has made me who I am and am proud to see how everyday my confidence and love for myself and others grows!

    When you look at the situation I sometimes feel am in the wrong because dad didnt have the parents figures to learn from.So how did he no what to do.But then I think just because you never had it doensen't mean you cant change it.
    So how would you look at it?

    This had been a healing process for me and is a subject that runs deep.So if you are replying please do so with love.I have been trying to overcome this and believe in myself for so long.So to all the parents that read this tell your chldren how much you love them everyday because you don't relise what not saying it can do.
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    CassandraDesiree<3

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    To Harmony

    Post  CassandraDesiree<3 on Sun Apr 25, 2010 2:56 pm

    At least your dad was there, and stayed in the picture. Even though he sounds as if he needs a lesson on how to support his daughter, and be taught a little compassion! My father has been out of my life since I was 4. And when he was in the picture he was to busy hitting and abusing my mom. All I remember of him is me trying as a toddler to get him off of her, and screaming at him to stop. I swore my children would NEVER have to see anything like that. So far I have done a good job of that. Now their daddy is awesome. We never even disagree in front of them! So he is MY MAN not MY FATHER, however that's why I call him daddy most of the time instead of calling him by his name.
    So anyway, just try to make it and try to see where your dad is coming from, he can't help how HE was raised and that's all he has to go on, you know?
    Maybe you two will get along better when you get out on your own, and he will realize how much he misses you.


    Last edited by grifcsnd on Mon May 31, 2010 12:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

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    To grifcsnd

    Post  Guest on Sun Apr 25, 2010 4:49 pm

    Thanks for the advice and I total understand.I am so lucky to have had a father around.So many people are not lucky enough to see their fathers and some do but not alot.
    I am greatful for it in some ways because it taught me how to love.Even when they are so cruel with words and are not always that understanding.Like you said he doesen't no any different.
    I was quite negative when I look back at what I put maybe I should mention somethings I can remember.Positive!!

    SINGING!!
    He was the first person to sing with me.He showed me the passion for it.I remember the very first day he picked his guitar up and played "somewhere out there" from american tale.It was one he had heard me singing to so he learned it just so we could do it together and even now he plays it.This is a song that no matter how far I go will always mean so much.

    Summer when were growing up because he had bad sight he found sports hard but he was always up for a major water fight.He spent hours in summer pushing us on the swings thing that he could see to do.
    Maybe I should have relised how stressful it must be to not be able to get involved.Doing things other find easy,to him must be so hard.


    Thanks for making me see that even though he had his bad side he also had his good side to.He is my dad and I am still proud to call him that.So I FORGIVE you dad and I LOVE YOU always.!!


    Last edited by Harmony on Sun Jun 06, 2010 5:24 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Added more to my post!)
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    Re: My Father My Man

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Thu Apr 29, 2010 6:50 pm

    Harmony wrote:Thanks for the advice and I total understand.I am so lucky to have had a father around.So many people are not lucky enough to see their fathers and some do but not alot.
    I am greatful for it in some ways because it taught me how to love.Even when they are so cruel with words and are not always that understanding.Like you said he doesen't no any different.
    I was quite negative when I look back at what I put maybe I should mention somethings I can remember.Positive!!

    SINGING!!
    He was the first person to sing with me.He showed me the passion for it.I remember the very first day he picked his guitar up and played "somewhere out there" from american tale.It was one he had heard me singing to so he learned it just so we could do it together and even now he plays it.This is a song that no matter how far I go will always mean so much.

    Summer when were growing up because he had bad sight he found sports hard but he was always up for a major water fight.He spent hours in summer pushing us on the swings thing that he could see to do.
    Maybe I should have relised how stressful it must be to not be able to get involved.Doing things other find easy,to him must be so hard.


    Thanks for making me see that even though he had his bad side he also had his good side to.He is my dad and I am still proud to call him that.So I FORGIVE you dad and I LOVE YOU always.!!


    It is just so interesting to look at certain situations through the lens of others . . . both Harmony and grifscnd have shown such courage and tenacity in spite of the different hardships and struggles endured in childhood and young adulthood. It just goes to show that no one is perfect and that no one should be put on pedestals, not even mothers or fathers. Our fathers were human first, and fathers second. As such, they were most likely filled with the same confusion, pain, frustration, and internal turmoil that we all learn to live with. My father taught me that even at his worst, and lowest points in life, there was still something in him worth loving, therefore, I always will. Now, I am an adult with 4 children of my own, and they are continually evaluating and rating my performance as a mother. They compare notes like scorecards, each having a mental vision more vivid than the other. Let them tell it, I have fallen short of the mark, in many instances. Resigned to this fact, I humbly concede that I will win no banners or trophies for "mother of the year!" However, maybe it won't take them to wait until I die to see that there was yet some good . . . in spite of my obvious "issues!" I didn't know any special tricks to being a good mother. I just tried to survive as I went through life trying as best I could to be a mother that took care of her family. Love is often misunderstood, and easily misconstrued . . . Yes, as with all of us, my father also had a great impact upon my life in more ways that I care to remember, some good, but not all. Someone once said that we are the sum total of all that we think. I would add that we are also the sum total of all that we experience! I guess what I really am trying to say is that people are just people, not gods, or supreme beings with ultra powers to embue others with happiness and endless joy. We are only flesh and blood, not glorified beings on earth with superhuman powers. As such, we are bound to fail, over and over, again. Sure, I didn't plan on leaving indelible scars buried within the psyche of my children for years to come, but . . . even today, I am sure, they will tell you how much I influenced them in ways both good and bad. I await the day with bated breath, when I turn on Oprah, and there they all are, with their latest bestseller "Mommie Dearest" book penned for yours truly for all the world to see. Yada, Yada, Yada . . .

    While I wish I could be a perfect role model, I know that I am not (perfect). But, a role model I can be. I can teach them that no matter what challenges and hardships you witness, and go through in life, no matter how hard life is, and no matter how bad another person treats you, you must fight as if your very life depended upon it not to become bitter, hard, and cold on the inside. I would teach them that its not what happens to you in life, but how you handle it that matters the most. These are my life lessons that I pass on to you, my Sistas!

    The bottom line is that every person has to deal with the hand that is dealt them. We cannot pick our parents, our mothers, or our fathers, nor can we make them into the ideal people that we want them to be. At some point, as we grow, we have to learn to look for the blessings woven between the lessons! They're there! Be blessed, and live! Remember to share what you learn as you go!!!


    Last edited by Sarah's Daughter on Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:32 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Name changes)
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    THIS IS MISS HILL

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    Thank you so very much my sistas

    Post  THIS IS MISS HILL on Fri Apr 30, 2010 9:17 pm

    I can only say, Thank you so very much to all of you that have responded to this scenario to this point. I just read through your replies and I am so very touched by your openess and willingness to share your lessons and experiences with one another.
    We thank you so much for your support of Sista's Common Sense Corner.

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    Thanks Sarah's Daughter!! Lesson learned

    Post  Guest on Sat May 01, 2010 6:30 pm

    While I wish I could be a perfect role model, I know that I am not (perfect). But, a role model I can be. I can teach them that no matter what challenges and hardships you witness, and go through in life, no matter how hard life is, and no matter how bad another person treats you, you must fight as if your very life depended upon it not to become bitter, hard, and cold on the inside. I would teach them that its not what happens to you in life, but how you handle it that matters the most. These are my life lessons that I pass on to you, my Sistas!

    The bottom line is that every person has to deal with the hand that is dealt them. We cannot pick our parents, our mothers, or our fathers, nor can we make them into the ideal people that we want them to be. At some point, as we grow, we have to learn to look for the blessings woven between the lessons! They're there! Be blessed, and live! Remember to share what you learn as you go!!!

    Wow you said "a role model you can be". Thats exactly what you have just done.I just read your comment and I was blown away by it.The way you have explained it.The way you have made me look at certain things in my life and yet again go, OH.I have seen it from so many different points of view now that I have grown so much as a person.
    I must admite at first I was very bitter and hard on the inside towards my dad.I woulden't give him the chance to make it up.I was worried of it all blowing up in my face and being hurt again.I woulden't forgive him.I was living in the passed instead of learning the lesson and moving on.Am not sure why your words helped so much but they did and am really thankfull for them.

    Everytime I come to this site I learn something new.Today from your words I have learned I need to trust and love more.Not to be frightened to do so because am scared ill get hurt again.Life has so many great lessons I can learn and dwelling shouldent be a part of it,learning should.Learning that love can be both good and bad.Each carrying a lesson.I have for so long kept myself in a bubble to scared to love.Not only my family but also a partner.I thinks its now time to let that bubble pop.As they say "better to have loved and lost then not at all"!!!

    Thanks you so much again.LOVE,LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS sent to you always!!! Smile
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    Sarah's Daughter

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    I'm glad you passed my way . . .You just made my day!

    Post  Sarah's Daughter on Sun May 02, 2010 9:18 pm

    Harmony wrote:
    While I wish I could be a perfect role model, I know that I am not (perfect). But, a role model I can be. I can teach them that no matter what challenges and hardships you witness, and go through in life, no matter how hard life is, and no matter how bad another person treats you, you must fight as if your very life depended upon it not to become bitter, hard, and cold on the inside. I would teach them that its not what happens to you in life, but how you handle it that matters the most. These are my life lessons that I pass on to you, my Sistas!

    The bottom line is that every person has to deal with the hand that is dealt them. We cannot pick our parents, our mothers, or our fathers, nor can we make them into the ideal people that we want them to be. At some point, as we grow, we have to learn to look for the blessings woven between the lessons! They're there! Be blessed, and live! Remember to share what you learn as you go!!!

    Wow you said "a role model you can be". Thats exactly what you have just done.I just read your comment and I was blown away by it.The way you have explained it.The way you have made me look at certain things in my life and yet again go, OH.I have seen it from so many different points of view now that I have grown so much as a person.
    I must admite at first I was very bitter and hard on the inside towards my dad.I woulden't give him the chance to make it up.I was worried of it all blowing up in my face and being hurt again.I woulden't forgive him.I was living in the passed instead of learning the lesson and moving on.Am not sure why your words helped so much but they did and am really thankfull for them.

    Everytime I come to this site I learn something new.Today from your words I have learned I need to trust and love more.Not to be frightened to do so because am scared ill get hurt again.Life has so many great lessons I can learn and dwelling shouldent be a part of it,learning should.Learning that love can be both good and bad.Each carrying a lesson.I have for so long kept myself in a bubble to scared to love.Not only my family but also a partner.I thinks its now time to let that bubble pop.As they say "better to have loved and lost then not at all"!!!

    Thanks you so much again.LOVE,LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS sent to you always!!! Smile

    Harmony - you just made my day! To know that one person may have been helped in some small measure by something that I have gone through and been able to share, has made it all worthwhile. You too have said a mouthful when you said that it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. This is the lesson that we need to all learn. Too many times we become afraid of allowing ourselves the chance to fully embrace relationships because of fear of losing, and thus being hurt, but, If we never go through anything, we will have nothing to pass on to others. Sure, living we will have some painful experiences, but they don't last, if we are able to let them go. If you could put it on a scale, you could see that the good that comes from loving, and being loved, far outweighs the bad! People will also let us down, and not live up to our expectations, this is reality, but here too through this challenge, we learn acceptance, tolerance, patience, and foregiveness. We also learn where to place the value, and what really matters most! True, no one wants to be hurt, and so I truly understand why we recoil from entering into some relationships, and allowing people to get too close to our hearts, but I promise you, as I live Alimarie, I have learned that it is really not about me or you, it's about God, and it's about life over all. It's about fulfilling your God-given destiny. Sometimes we are chosen to experiences some trials in our life so that we can become a lifeline and are able to then share what we have learned with others. What I have seen time and again is that certain lessons were not only for me, but for someone else as well that I encountered along the way. I am so glad you passed my way . . . Remember, if you close up your heart, nothing goes out, and nothing comes in!


    Last edited by Sarah's Daughter on Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:30 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typos)

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